A Jester in the King's Court

Topic: One of my biggest pet Peeves

When I was in High School, back in he year 2000 (In the year ttwwwooo ttthhhooouuussssaaannnnnddd for fans of Conan O’Brien) I was given a rare opportunity to increase my social standing at school. See, I had made a bit of an unconscious decision that I would pour all my charisma, wit, charm and humor into my church and AWANA related activities….leaving my actual time at school a barren wasteland that merely served to supply stories to tell my church/AWANA friends about.

Well, my junior year, I was invited to a party by one of the more popular guys in my Physiology class. (Please note: Being popular in Physiology makes you about cool enough to get swirled in the cleanest toilet.) He was a Christian guy and asked if I wanted to go to a party this weekend. His whole table of friends thought I’d be a lot of fun there, so I asked what you do at a party, because in my world “party” was code word for “Get together and play Taboo” (note: “party” still serves this function in my vocabulary). This is what followed (I think his name was Russell…or Kyle…but not the Kyle I normally hung out with…which means I’ll be going with Russell):

S: So, what are you guys going do at this party?
R: Probably hang out, listen to music, drink, get stupid, you know…the norm
S: Drink and get stupid?
R: Yeah….last weekend’s party was great…I dson’t remember much…but I know one of our friends go so hammered that he passed out in the tub
S: Huh…
R: Yeah….:::looking around at his friends::: so we peed on him. It was great
S: …..
S: …..
S: …..
S: So….if I come to the party, there is a good chance that I will not remember my weekend….and if I do, it will more than likely consist of me urinating on or being urinated on by other people that can’t remember the weekend?
R: Hahaha, yup!
S: It’s a good sales pitch, really…but um…I think I got a thing….

Now, I’m fully aware that not all Christians use alcohol in that way. And I’m fully aware that as soon as a teetotaler starts talking about drinking, every Christian that enjoys the alcohol readies their “Christian Liberty” canons…and that’s good. Drinking isn’t a sin. Neither is punching an emu in the face. But man, emu’s are expensive, and once you finally get one, and punch it in its face, sure its funny the 1st few times, but then it gets loud and annoying and tries to beak you. This leaves you thinking “What a stupid idea that was” So don’t punch emus!

I think drinking is the same way. I hang out with people that drink, and it’s interesting to watch as people get exponentially less interesting the more they consume, all the while they think they are getting exponentially more interesting. I call it the Law of Inverse Social Self Assessment (LISSA as it were). This law basses off of the fact that the more someone drinks, the more they think they and those around them are funny. I have been in some groups in which I could have said “spatula” and made them laugh. This is not at all the discount the comedic delivery I bring to the fore whilst speaking the names of cooking utensils…lord knows I crack up when I hear me say apple corer…but more to say that I’d like to work harder.

Does this mean I’m against alcohol? No, I love NyQuil. When I’m couching, sneezing, aching and need to rest its my medicine. But that’s as far as I go. One thing I do think id funny is that my unsaved friends talk about drinking less than my saved friends. And that my unsaved friends almost never give me a hard time about drinking, as opposed to my saved ones that often feel the need to argue me into it.

This all leads me to wonder if the modern fascination with drinking in the church amid 20 and 30 something years olds in America that are not of the reformed tradition (check that disclaimer out!) has less to do with “Christian Liberty” and more to do with a heard instinct. “If you drink and I drink and they drink then its ok to drink and all those that don’t drink are condemning me.” Or maybe it’s a little bit o’ rebellion. Or maybe its just people honestly enjoying the flavor of a beverage and the fact that it makes them more likely to talk louder and laugh uncontrollably at something that isn’t that funny is merely a side effect (to this group I say “Sorry about the post…not aimed at you…but if there’s a virgin version of your drink that tastes the same, you aren’t being honest;]”).

I do know that listening to people taste wine is tantamount the most self-fulfilling conversation I’ve ever heard. Spending all night sipping a beverage and talking about its history and flavor etc is considered classy when its wine…but foolish when it’s Dr Pepper. “Yes, just hold the DP on the back of your tongue for a moment and you can taste the 23 different flavors that comprise this. Now, cleans the pallet and we will move on to Jones Soda…” When I go to dinner and have good steak…I will say, “This is good steak”…and I might at most rave about it for a moment or 2…but after 5 min…if I haven’t moved on to talking about something else…that pretty much makes me a glutton.

I have tons of friends I disagree with on this. And truth be told, my reasons for having never drank come from alcohol damaging my family gravely, and seeing all the negative consequences of drinking, and thus far having only heard anyone say that the positive effects are being relaxed and feeling warm. In my mind, that means you should just go golf wearing a sweatshirt and get the same effect. But, drinking isn’t a sin at all….clearly not if Jesus turned water to wine, etc. I just wonder how idolized it’s become amid my peers, and where’s the value to it. And I wonder if it as an idol might put people more at risk of the enemy the walks as a lion seeking whom he may devour, given that their faculties are shot enough to think “spatula” is funny(ier than it really is…but c’mon…it’s a funny word)